You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
