If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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