just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
