The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
false alarm. still invincible.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
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