I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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