im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
