Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
