my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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