i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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