I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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