The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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