okay pat passed out under dana's car
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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