Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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