Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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