sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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