Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
