she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
