I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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