the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
There's even glitter on my cock...
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