go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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