All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Randomize
