My friends, they love my intelligence
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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