My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
