Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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