Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Randomize
