girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
