I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
