Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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