i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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