Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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