hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
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