Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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