For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
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