I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
