i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
