After last night, I could never be a politician.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
