i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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