I wish I could teleport
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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