You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
