I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
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