I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
