His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
