I checked into jail on foursquare
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
