This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
