she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I think i got beer on your cat.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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