oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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