He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
