Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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