last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Couch. On fire.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
