My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
