I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
