This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
