Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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