drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
