you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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