my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
