So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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