Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
