shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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