3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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