Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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